The Hunger for Civil Dialogue in America

Can we listen and talk without shouting and vilifying?

Can Americans find a way to talk to each other again?

It’s been obvious for far too long that we need to promote dialogue in America and in our politics. I’ve been looking for ways to delve into this topic, so consider this an initial foray.

A lot of people muse these days about how to bring back bipartisanship, but I’m not so sure the supposed good old days of passing legislation with support from members of each party is going to return any time soon. There are certainly areas in which bipartisan agreement can be reached — the 2021 infrastructure bill is a perfect example — but the challenge nowadays is that the parties aren’t as ideologically diverse as they once were. Moreover, there are a lot fewer centrists in Congress, so there are now fewer votes that can serve as a foundation for compromise solutions.

This situation is exacerbated by the reality that elected officials live in the same media bubbles as the rest of America and fundraise off their ability to attack the other party. The polarization of our politics runs deep and, unless we can change our media ecosystem and/or get rid of gerrymandering, there is little incentive for most politicians to look for areas of agreement.

It seems, then, that if we want to promote any sort of sort of cooperation across the aisle we need to start by finding ways to promote dialogue. And not just dialogue among politicians. It’s just as — if not more — important for everyday Americans to reach across the divide and begin modeling more civility.

As former New Jersey Governor Thomas Kean wrote recently:

It starts with listening to each other. It starts with respecting each other. We must bring people together on every occasion that we can … When you disagree with someone, the key is to listen to them.

Several interactions I’ve had in the past few weeks have emphasized to me that many Americans truly desire more civil dialogue. They’re not expecting unrealistic kumbaya moments where everyone suddenly starts agreeing with each other. What they they want is just to be able to talk to each other again.

So here are three recent interactions that helped me realize, despite what’s happening in Washington or in the media right now, that many Americans want to engage in respectful conversations about their differing views.

1. A social media debate

This started when a friend shared on Facebook my piece from a few weeks ago, If a story isn't reported by Fox News, did it really happen?

If you’ve read that post, you know it was a lament about two realities of American life today. One, that Americans are cocooned into two different media universes. And two, a consequence of this is that many of us now perceive different realities and can’t even agree on the same facts.

And if Americans can’t agree on the same facts, then what hope is there for running a democracy?

The post attracted some of the usual comments one would expect, but there was also a longer, more thoughtful response from a mutual acquaintance who said he wanted “to offer a respectful rebuttal from a conservative perspective.” He suggested that the issue was not just with the conservative media but also that the legacy media “underreport or reframe stories that are central to Fox News and its audience,” noting particularly stories about Biden’s mental decline, or immigration and border security, to name two examples.

I don’t often respond to these debates on social media because most people just retreat into their own bubbles and often spew emotional arguments that get us nowhere. However, since this person had made the effort to be respectful and thoughtful in his reply, I decided I should take the time to respond, which I did. He then also responded one more time to my comments.

The specifics of our particular back and forth is too long to get into here, and in any case it’s far less important than the simple fact that we made an effort to engage in dialogue. Neither of us changed our core positions, but we explained them in a way that didn’t vilify the other’s views. And we did agree that there are issues on all sides of the media, that the erosion of trust and shared facts is dangerous for democracy, and that we all need to be willing to engage with individuals and information across the ideological spectrum.

Beyond this, however, what struck me about our discussion was the response of other commenters. Such as:

• “In my opinion, the thing that is missing most right now is a willingness, skill and desire of people/friends with differing viewpoints to politely and civilly talk about some really difficult issues that affect all of us in so many different ways.”

• “Agreed, perspectives from all sides from people mature enough to have civil dialogue.”

• “This was one of the most informative, even handed, respectful and enlightening discussions I have ever read on this topic. Thank you.”

So are Americans are hungry for more civil dialogue? Personally, I think they’re beyond hungry. They’re starving for it.

2. A Substack post about inspiring “dialogue, not divisiveness”

Not long after this, my friend JD Schramm put up an intriguing post on his own Substack page, Communication Matters. JD specializes in communication topics and his post, Recalling Barbara Bush, was about a time when the former First Lady handled a contentious moment around a commencement address at Wellesley College by creating a connection with students and inspiring “dialogue, not divisiveness.”

You should head over and read JD’s post for the details of Mrs. Bush’s speech, but the important point, as he wrote, is that “we must not forget that at times we may create learning opportunities in the discomfort of hearing from those whose opinion we do not share.”

I love that line.

“Create learning opportunities in the discomfort of hearing from those whose opinion we do not share.”

Sooo much better than the divisive attacks that pass for dialogue in America today.

3. “Conversations: Resist Being Divided”

I also recently received an email from another friend, Craig, who’d been kicking around his own thoughts about promoting civil dialogue. He’d put together a list of ideas he called: “Conversations: Resist Being Divided.”

Some of his thoughts were about basic rules of verbal conflict, such as engaging respectfully or agreeing on how to vet facts objectively. But for purposes of this post, what especially struck me were his main goals:

Disagreement should be expected, but yelling at each other should not.

1. Protect the Relationship, Not the Argument

2. Don’t Mock or Shame

3. Ask, Don’t Tell

Yes, yes, and yes!

Simple enough, right? And yet so many in America seem to have lost these abilities. Can we pleeeease get them back?

A hunger for civil dialogue

As you can see from the interactions that led to this post, many people are having similar thoughts. They’re struggling to understand how we got to the point where we struggle even with basic civil dialogue.

Sure, it seems as if some politicians and the media and the loudest activists and moneyed interests all seem to be conspiring against this desire to engage more civilly with one another.

But Americans are hungry for it.

How we get there, I’m not entirely sure. But I do know it’s worth trying to find a way forward.

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Images: Cover photo via Shutterstock